There are plenty of things to worry about these days. Global Warming. Unemployment. Overpopulation. Nuclear proliferation. The list goes on. But are any of these lofty concerns as alarming as a bevy of ill-tempered swans?

Before you answer, read our annual guide to the terrible, bad, scary summer dangers plaguing the Seacoast. It’s our way of saying “thank you” to our readers, providing them with vital information that will help them stay alive and avoid getting eaten by wild animals. Really, it’s the least we can do.

We know there’s been a concerted effort on the Seacoast and across the nation to get people out of their homes and enjoying outdoor activities like hiking, gardening, cycling, swimming, camping, exploring and playing. They say it helps foster a meaningful connection to the natural environment that sustains us. They say it’s good, fun exercise that improves our collective health and builds community. They say we should get out there and experience our world to the fullest.

But don’t. Trust us. It’s much better—and safer—to park yourself in front of your television or computer for hours on end. Watch another rerun of “The Family Guy,” or a funny YouTube video of cats chasing things! Bask in the warm, digital glow of your iPad! See what celebrities have been tweeting! Take a nap!

But whatever you do, don’t leave your house. Because there are things outside those walls that will try to hurt you if you agitate them, and you can agitate them simply by walking near them or stepping on their eggs. Just look at what’s going on out there in the so-called “great outdoors.”

Alligators!
The prevailing belief is that there are no alligators around here. This is wrong. True, alligators are not native to New England, but at least two of the prehistoric reptiles have found their way to the Granite State.

The young alligators, each about two feet long, were found this spring in Stevens Pond in Manchester. The first was discovered by two kids fishing on May 25; the second was caught three weeks later, on June 18.

It’s believed both gators were pets that either escaped captivity or were abandoned. With the exception of certain licensed exhibitors, it’s illegal to possess alligators in New Hampshire. But there are still some gators out there owned by people who acquired them before the ban went into effect.

Alligators are basically living dinosaurs that have been around for, oh, about 40 million years. American alligators can grow to 14 feet in length and weigh up to 1,000 pounds. They have sharp, craggily teeth and amazingly powerful jaws.

Since the gators found in Manchester were juveniles, experts say it’s unlikely they were breeding in the pond. But we’re not prepared to take their word for it. As we learned from “Jurassic Park,” nature finds a way.

Bears!
When The Wire published its first round of scary summer dangers in 2007, black bears were at the top of the list. But a spate of recent sightings and one vicious attack have led us to reiterate the gravity of the threat.

In June, a Grafton woman was mauled by a bear on her own porch while letting her dog out. The sow, apparently protecting its cubs, slashed the woman’s arms with its enormous claws, necessitating 25 stitches.

Fish and Game initially planned to trap and euthanize the animal, but they changed their minds after neighbors reported other black bears in the area, leaving doubt as to which one was responsible for the assault. Would it really be so bad to remove them all?

Maine’s Department of Inland Fisheries and Wildlife has received more than 400 bear complaints so far this year—about twice as many as it had received by the same time last year. The theory is that the mild winter drove hungry bears out of their dens early to forage for food. Bird feeders, garbage cans and other manmade odors make for irresistibly enticing targets.

Since black bears can weigh upwards of 250 pounds and have massive teeth and claws, you might want to take those feeders down.

Coyotes!

This one’s personal. While walking my dogs in Rye recently, I saw a large coyote across the street from my house. It stood there frozen, staring at me from a neighbor’s parking space before trotting off into the darkness.

No, the animal did not attack me. In fact, it seemed rather tranquil, perhaps a bit skittish about the dogs. Still, it had an almost ghostly aura. And, later, my wife thought she heard a chewing noise in the backyard. Exactly what was doing the chewing and what was being chewed, if anything, remains unknown.

I’m not the only one to encounter a coyote recently. In May, Patch reported a couple of sightings in downtown Portsmouth, one on Woodbury Avenue and another on Bow Street. Shortly thereafter, a woman told the Portsmouth Herald a coyote was living underneath her mobile home in the Hillcrest Estates off Lafayette Road. Neighbors confirmed the area has a “coyote problem.” Keep in mind, they could be in the area for Portsmouth’s prolific population of urban bunnies, which would really mean the area has an even scarier bunny problem.

Eastern coyotes can measure five feet long and weigh up to 50 pounds—about twice the size of their western cousins. They are found throughout the state and are known to feed on housecats. And they can carry rabies.

Your serene demeanor fools no one, coyote.

Swans!
The stately elegance of these huge birds belies their ferocious nature. Beneath their snow-white plumage and regal visage is a nasty attitude. They lure you in with their majestic beauty, then attack in a blur of snapping bills and heavy wings.

You think I exaggerate? Oh contraire.

In fact, swans were responsible for the drowning death of an Illinois man in April. According to the Huffington Post, two swans attacked the man in a pond, overturning his kayak. Authorities believe the birds were protecting their eggs.

Illinois is a long way from the New Hampshire Seacoast, but we have swans of our own to contend with. The region is rife with mute swans, which can grow over five feet in length and have bony spurs in their wings, which they use like clubs as they aggressively defend their nests. Anecdotal reports indicate a swan’s gigantic wings are powerful enough to break an adult human’s leg.

There are a couple of local swan hot-spots to avoid at all costs. A resident specimen is known to occupy the Salmon Falls River near a boat launch in Rollinsford, and a pair is often seen in the wetlands by Ocean Boulevard in Rye. Steer clear.

Bugs!
Insects were around long before humankind, and they will survive long after our species is extinct.

That’s reason enough to hate them.

On top of that, they deliver bites and stings that range from annoyingly itchy to excruciatingly painful, and they transmit all kinds of diseases, several of which can be deadly. And there are freakin’ zillions of them everywhere.

That’s why we’ve previously warned readers about mosquitoes, ticks and spiders (yes, we know ticks and spiders are arachnids, not insects, but we choose to gather them under the vague umbrella of “bugs”). Yet how could we neglect to mention buzzy, bitey, crawly creatures like ants, bees, wasps, horse flies, earwigs and bedbugs?   

Ticks are of greater concern than ever, as the mild winter enabled them to flourish this spring. Entomologist Alan Eaton told The Wire that New Hampshire has the second most cases of Lyme disease in the country. He said blacklegged ticks, which carry Lyme, have been out in “really high numbers.” 

There is no escape from bugs. The best thing to do is hole up indoors, swath your entire body with DEET-heavy insect repellant, and surround yourself with poison traps. Doesn’t that sound healthier than venturing outdoors?

Free Staters!
This one is the scariest of all. I tremble as I type. These invasive aliens pose as ordinary citizens, indulging their destructive habits not through outright physical attacks, but through silent infiltration of state and local government.

They say they want to preserve the greatness of the Live Free or Die State, and yet their strategy is to recruit people from other states to move here and enter politics, where they attempt to enact radical changes to the Live Free or Die State.

They wield mighty axes (metaphorical axes, mind you), with which they seek to hack apart the state budget, paying no mind to the dire consequences of such wild and reckless cuts. They just swing away arbitrarily, chopping at social services here, health care there, public education everywhere. 

Free Staters come in all shapes and sizes and are distributed widely in habitats across New Hampshire. And yes, they can often be found outside. Hundreds of them gathered at the 2012 Porcupine Freedom Festival (porcupines! There’s another summer danger!) from June 18 to 24 in Lancaster. We hope the native citizens of Lancaster stayed inside and locked their doors, because this is a scary bunch.

Editor’s note: Matt Kanner is, in fact, quite fond of animals. He has seen alligators, bears, coyotes, swans, bugs and Free Staters up close in the wild, and has lived to tell the tale. He even has friends who are supportive of the Free State Project (gasp!). Please approach his satirical report with humor.

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